Opening My Eyes
Last night, as I was winding down for the evening, I logged into facebook and within mere moments, I had several friends pop up on private chat. It was an interesting experience… as though they were waiting for me to show up there and, as soon as I did, they jumped on the chance to chat. I really appreciate the powerful ability of the internet to connect people and create a much smaller, closer world. I am now connected with like-minded people strewn all about the globe from as far away as Australia, UK, Belgium and Canada to as near as just down the street. It is such a huge gift to be able to connect and create friendships around the world!
Last night, one of the messages that caught my eye came in from a dear friend in the UK. It read:
Hey you! I just wanted to take the time to tell you that I don’t know what you’ve been doing differently lately, but I See You and I’m mega impressed. Love ya bug x
As I read it, tears gathered in my eyes because it was a testament to the manifestation of my commitment to being fully alive and in love with me. After my high school reunion last week – about which I have yet to write, I just realized – and the releasing of the filters that were revealed to me during that event, I’m understanding that many of my walls have come down. These walls have been a part of me for so long that I had gotten to a point where I didn’t even know they existed.
In the past, when I purposely went about dismantling walls and bringing them down, I felt excruciating pain and vulnerability so intense that I inevitably rebuilt those walls – usually more solidly – and almost before I could blink. All the processing I went through to bring them down would be for naught because I would undo it all as fast as I could. It was just too much.
However, what I discovered this time – which, I’m coming to understand that this is typical for me – is that the walls coming down is a secondary effect of focusing on loving myself. I’m focusing on being fully alive and loving myself and so that is what is happening. Rather than directing all my energy into “taking down walls” to “make me better” I am simply loving what is and rolling with that. What I’ve discovered to be typical about that for me is any time I try to fix me, work to “get out of” persona, purposely do shifts to get into creative space, release my victim or not hero someone… any time I do any of those purposeful practices, I dig myself in deeper and the gross energy that permeates each of them grows exponentially and gets more vile, volatile and violent.
I’m really appreciating that this is a direct consequence of me practicing what I preach. My radio show is about creating a life based on a foundation of self-love. I talk about the skills to create that, things that may get in our way and how we can become fully alive. And all while I’m talking about it, I’m having experiences that allow me to practice it and watch what happens. So cool!!!
For me, it is about coming back to me, loving me. And, the delightful bonus with this discovery is… as I’m becoming more loving to me, people around the world are experiencing me more lovingly. Isn’t that delicious!