~Reflecting on my Life and my Relationship with Food~
When I look over my life in a quest to uncover the significant moments of my life, there are many of them and I am delighted to discover that the bulk of them are positive. I am willing to own that they may appear positive to me now because I am continually looking for the lesson within the experience so that has a tendency to shift my point of view from “negative” to “positive.” However, overall, my life has been pretty pleasant. I had an easeful childhood that was gentle and loving. My parents worked hard to cover our needs and wants. I lived in nice homes, in good neighborhoods and had good friends. We moved a lot so I believe that continual moving contributed to my inability to create long-lasting solid friendships. I don’t trust them to last because, as a child, they never did. And, while I was growing up, I never developed the understanding that the most important relationship I should have is with myself, so I quite often felt dissatisfied with my relationships.
My parents enrolled me in dance at a very young age – around 3, I believe. And I LOVED that. Dancing has been a part of my life since then in one form or another and, as an adult, I’ve used dance to control myself and punish myself. When I felt at my most unloveable was when I would disallow myself the most when it came to dancing. Using dance and movement is frequently how I express myself and during the time in my life that I was trying to be invisible, I didn’t do a lot of either.
I married a man who had a violent temper. I write about this in great detail in my book, Above the Clouds so I’m not really going to delve into the details today on this topic. However, that experience and the subsequent years following, has formed a lot of who I am today. It sent me into a healing crisis unlike any other experience in my life. It was imperative to me that I learn WHY I had called violence, betrayal, dishonesty and infidelity into my life. I needed to know what it was that I needed to know from being in that situation so I could heal it for myself and for those who come after me. As I frequently said back then, “I need to understand and heal me so that I don’t end up in the same place with a different face in front of me.” That healing process has gone on in waves as I’ve come to know, understand and love myself over the last decade.
In the last few years, I’ve had 2 near-death experiences that have altered my life irrevocably. Each one has created a huge jog in my path so that, within a few months of the experience, I no longer recognize the person I was prior to the event. Each experience brought me to a place of huge release and gave me the opportunity to choose.
When it comes to my experience with food, I don’t generally gorge myself on food. Neither do I deprive myself. I allow myself to eat what “sounds good” when it sounds good. Rarely do I eat to the point of feeling overstuffed – except maybe on Thanksgiving and even that has cut back a lot over the last few years. It’s not so much that I overeat or binge or starve myself. It’s more that I eat unconsciously when I have big emotions. Late at night is my week point… treats before bed such as cookies and milk or ice cream are a favorite – especially chocolate. I have a sweet tooth and have had for most of my life. My carb craving is sugar. I’ve noticed over the years that if I am busy I don’t crave. And when I’m involved in a creative project like writing a book or creating an art piece, I forget to eat.
So those are some of the revelations about my life and my relationship with food…