Crossing the Desert

As I’ve been completely with my experience these past few days, I have come to realize a lot about myself that is changing me… it’s… solidifying things about me that I’ve only suspected or wondered about… These past few days, unlike any other time in my life, have brought into focus things about myself in a way that I am able to see my strengths, my weaknesses, where I consistently falter and where I consistently stand tall. It has been a time of ongoing prayer, gratitude, tears and curiosity. I’ve felt surprised by my willingness to ponder the hard questions that have been presented to me – questions that, in the past, would have had a curt, immediate response that may have not been the truth. I am appreciating myself for feeling profoundly scared, sad and confused so that I could wake today to see this sun rise over the snow-capped mountains into the clear blue sky. I’m appreciating myself for being willing to stand in the face of the disbelief of others, feel my heartbreak and still know that I DO know my truths. I DO know what is happening for me, no matter what others are experiencing of me. I feel such peace, love and forgiveness for myself. I didn’t shrink back. I stayed with it and I crossed that desert – ALL THE WAY – for the first time in my life. And, through it all, I send praise to my Creator for being with me through the entire process and taking the time last night to continually answer my prayers, one by one, through music… song after song after song…

Today, I am so grateful and feeling it with overflowing love for… * my journey * music that brings me my answers * positive reinforcement coming from the most surprising of places, in the most surprising of ways, from the most surprising people at the moments when I most needed it – again, direct answers from God * landing in the knowledge that resilience comes through the belief in my Higher Power * feeling hope * realizing that, no matter what, I am NOT alone… there are people who SEE me on this planet… always… I just have to be willing to release myself from the expectation of how that is supposed to look and see it in all the surprising ways that are available to me * feeling the momentum building * having a glimpse of all that I am capable of and learning that I CAN request that it be easeful and I CAN request to have my abilities dimmed when I need a break * the slow dismantling of my old “all-or-nothing” and “I am not enough” beliefs.

I am so happy to BE alive.

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