If you read my post from earlier today, you may have been able to guess that I’m in the middle of some BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG stuff. I have a commitment to being fully alive and, at times, that is an incredibly wild ride as I uncover the bits and pieces of me that I’ve left by the wayside or I discover a place where inconsistencies are dwelling and where I have been hiding my own incongruous behavior from myself.
Yesterday, I went into a spontaneous meltdown following a meeting and a session. I’m up against some of my most core issues and, at times, I am scared. I’m scared for many reasons… most of which boils down to the one thing I’m most interested in unwinding… this belief that I’m not enough.
When I finally made it home last night, the only thing I wanted was to be held. And, interestingly enough, the only person that was going to work for me in that moment was my father’s wife. I needed her to hold me, pat my back and gently sway and tell me everything was going to work out for the best. I didn’t know that SHE was the one who I wanted to hug me and comfort me. I had NO idea that was what I needed until I fell against her and she received me without a question.
And then I sobbed. I felt the ice melt away from my heart. I felt the 20-some-odd years of anger and hatred that I have held for her because “she broke up my family” begin to dissolve. As I cried and she caressed my hair and talked in soft tones, I felt my heart opening up. Suddenly… all this “stuff” that I had been needlessly carrying around, that really had NO foundation of truth in MY life… past or present… evaporated in a salty mist of air.
This morning, as I stood beside my car as the gas filled the fuel tank, I glanced down because something was sparkling and caught my eye. Just a few feet in front of me, there was a small sheet of ice. I felt curiously drawn to the ice. I stepped on it with one foot. It was very slippery and I felt immediately grateful I had stepped on it with only one foot. For a few minutes, I stood there gliding my foot across the icy surface, grinning and enjoying the experience because there, beneath my foot, the friction from the rubbing was melting the ice into a slushy puddle.
Just like my heart last night.