I’m a genius magician when it comes to making things disappear – mainly me. I’m thinking, though, that being a genius in that particular skill may not be serving me altogether that well.
I’m watching myself step back until I disappear. I’m watching myself detach. I’m watching myself choose out of relationships right and left. I’ve chosen to not call mentors or close friends because I get the same answers: fix your broken commitments, clean up your messes, get clear with yourself. I get that it’s all about me, that I’m the source of my life and I’m accountable for how my life looks from day to day. I get all that, so I’ve stopped reaching.
What do I see when I look in the mirror? I see a woman who is sad and confused and tired of having her failures and lack shown to her through her relationships with friends and mentors. I see a woman who yearns for friendships that fulfill me and reflect to me the beauty that I am, that I can see shimmering in there and brings it out big, bold and brilliant. A woman who longs for relationships that show me where I’m successful. I see a woman who feels lost in a vast sea of… nothingness… nothing recognizable to hold onto. I see a woman who is strong beyond belief and tired of using that strength to stand on her own. I see a woman who longs to be held.
And, as I write this, feeling vulnerable and small, all I can do is breathe. And, somehow, that doesn’t seem to be enough.