Reflection and the Art of Moving Forward
I am choosing differently for my life in ways that are leading me to new horizons and yet, still, I sometimes find myself in places that I am questioning. (More on that later.) However, the fact that I am ending up in new places – and that, when I recognize a place as being an “old place,” I am actually recognizing it – is a clear indication that my choices are having an effect on my life. In looking back over this past year, I can clearly see where I have created huge bends in my path, creating a beautiful pattern in a path that had once seemed so dull and lifeless.
A few days ago, one of my best friends, Jen (with whom I am creating JenGie Creations), sent me the following questions in an email which I have been pondering as I am reflecting on 2008, in preparation to go forward for 2009 … (I have included a list of just the questions at the bottom of this post for you if you would like to play along. I would love to know if you did and what your responses were.)
* What did I gain/lose? I gained self-love, first and foremost. I gained beautiful, long-lasting friendships. I gained confidence and the ability to go forward in face of my fears. I gained knowledge of my calling here on Earth and began the process of fully stepping into that. I gained wisdom and clarity and peace. I lost some old patterns. I lost the ability to please others over – or instead of – myself. I lost the need to be liked by everyone. I lost a very dear friend.
* What did I start/stop? I started believing in me. I started dancing more. I started new art. I started wondering instead of fearing. I started living. I started creating. I started new businesses. I started expanding. I started releasing. I started cleansing. I started loving me. I started showing up fully, more completely and solidly as myself. I stopped wanting everyone to like me. I stopped wondering how to make everyone like me. I stopped doing stuff that I didn’t want to do. I stopped making agreements to do stuff I couldn’t possibly or didn’t want to do. I stopped worrying about what everyone else was doing and focused on what I was doing.
* What did I buy that I really wanted / that I shouldn’t have? Given my financial situation, there wasn’t a lot of room for buying stuff I really wanted and, especially, for the stuff that I really shouldn’t have. There was a period of time in October, where I was spending money I didn’t have and I caught myself saying, “That was stupid of me.” I rationalized it beautifully though. That big purchase was for the tools of my trade. Therefore, it will pay off in the end. Eh-hem.
* What thoughts am I thinking differently now compared to last year? This could be an endless list! I am able to think about myself as successful now and creative. I am thinking about how I can create, wondering what’s next and exploring new ways. I think about my accomplishments and take moments to rejoice in my achievements. I think about the beauty I see in the mirror, even if it is only one small point of discovery. I think about how I am going forward, what I want to bring into the world, how I want to play.
* What was my biggest discovery about myself this year? I am the Sentinel and what that means to me, how I fulfill that calling and how I live that path.
* What made time fly the most when I did it this year? What was a waste of my time? Oh this one is easy. It is always in my creative genius that time flies – writing and art. I added to that list this year, photography and JenGie, both of which are creative projects. I waste the most time in front of the television when I am numbing out in fear. I am grateful to say that the television has not been that big of a distraction this year.
* Where was the most amazing place I went this year? The first answer shocked me: within. Okay. Wow. Ummmm… the “out in the world place” would be… Lava Hot Springs all three times, with the last time being the absolute best and most amazing experience of the year.
* Where do I never want to go again? To sleep in a domestic violence shelter.
* What truly satisfied me this year? Myself… from beginning to end. (Damn! That feels great to say. I thought when I wrote it that I would check in and hear myself scolding myself for being prideful. Granted, there was some of that talk, but I felt more grateful than anything.)
* What caused frustration or disappointment for me this year? The painful results (feeling violated and betrayed) of not getting the lesson that arose time and again this year: Listen to yourself, Angie. Don’t sell yourself short. Stand in your truth and honor that. (That also happens to be one of my biggest learning curves.) Losing out on an entire month’s pay because I didn’t have my friend sign a contract. Getting kicked out of the girl’s club before I was even really let in. Being with my best friend and having him totally not get me anymore and not clicking with him smoothly.
* What do I want to do better? Everything that I accomplished in 2008, I commit to continue to build on in 2009. I commit to completing the process for getting Above the Clouds published. I commit to showing my art more frequently. I commit to holding space for a love-relationship partner to show up. I commit to loving myself more by caring for my physical body more attentively.
* What was the best thing that someone did for me/that I did for someone else / that I did for myself? There were so many little things that were done for me this year that culminated in this being a beautiful year. I think the “thing” with the biggest outcome were the different people – both strangers and friends – who reflected to me the beauty within me. I made a mental commitment at the beginning of 2008 to create relationships that reflect the good (instead of only the bad, which had been my previous pattern). I had so many people that began interacting with me via email, comments and replies to my Meditations that reflected to me the ways I am beautifully rippling into the world. The greatest thing I did for someone else was… I showed up fully and completely for several people in my community at times when they needed the support the most. And for me? I recognized and appreciated and welcomed and absorbed the beautiful reflections. I allowed myself to show up in my genius and I opened space for discovery about what I am here to do.
* What didn’t I do that I wanted to but will make a huge difference in the quality of my life when I do it next year? Release Above the Clouds into the world. Release JenGie Creations into the world.
* What do I want to recommit to? I recommit to completing the process for Above the Clouds. I recommit to being open to the next steps for JenGie and for the support team to show up to forward it into the world. I recommit to getting my own home and healing office space.
* What is my dream for 2009? I am easefully fluid with finances and all of my financial needs are met with an excess for investing. I am in my own home with two bedrooms, healing space/office, and herborium. I am moving forward with my photography and art with astounding ease, grace and financial abundance. I am in love! I am continuing to be in the right place at the right moment. I am creating strong, lifelong, co-creative, powerful friendships that are full of love and transparent honesty. I am confident and hopeful and laughing. I am a published author. I am the Sentinel. I am free!
Forward, I go!
* What did I gain/lose?
* What did I start/stop?
* What did I buy that I really wanted / that I shouldn’t have?
* What thoughts am I thinking differently now compared to last year?
* What was my biggest discovery about myself this year?
* What made time fly the most when I did it this year? What was a waste of my time?
* Where was the most amazing place I went this year?
* Where do I never want to go again?
* What truly satisfied me this year?
* What caused frustration or disappointment for me this year?
* What do I want to do better?
* What was the best thing that someone did for me/that I did for someone else / that I did for myself?
* What didn’t I do that I wanted to but will make a huge difference in the quality of my life when I do it next year?
* What do I want to recommit to?
* What is my dream for 2009?