Soooo… after my heart-rending conversation last night, I went to Life Skills in a fairly vulnerable and emotionally raw state. At one point, I was crying so hard I was doing those little baby hiccups. The sadness was so huge and soooooo old.
I was stunned to feel the impact and that it was SO big. I was confused by that. I feel like I have had huge strides in the “loving me” department and that my body is finally understanding what that feels like… after FOUR decades! Being hit with this massive pain and sadness and… shame? (What the hell?! Shame? Wow! Where did that come from???) Being hit with that was startling because it was so intense and there was nothing I could do to stop the sadness. It just came and came and came. Waves of it crashing over me and through the gaping hole that had been left by the double-edged serrated sword that had slashed through me.
I couldn’t not cry. Crying was all I could do. And when I could finally breathe easy again, between the sniffles and the hiccups, I checked in with myself, walked myself backward to the moment and actually listened to myself.
After he said those words, “I am married to her because she had the balls to make the moves,” the very first instinct was to lash out in anger in violent and unhealthy ways. I instantaneously wanted to punch him in the face, kick him in the balls and scratch his eyes out. I realized that that instinct was covering the truth of the fact that OH MY GOD, THAT HURT! As I looked at myself in that moment, I saw me shrink and collapse inward. Mixed in with the need to violently wound him, I heard myself think, I am never gonna be enough for him.
I am never gonna be enough for him?!!!
I am clear now that the “him” in this sentence is the operative word. It doesn’t necessarily mean my former husband. It means anyone. And therein lies the intense sadness. I had thought I was enough for myself now. I had thought I loved myself fully. I had thought I finally understood what it feels like to be enough.
Now I have discovered that there is a part of me, still, that is not on board with all this. That part is directly in the center of my body and is now a gaping wound. It is oozing sadness and “not enough-ness” and I am feeling the pain of it all.
Several of my friends kindly pointed out last night that this was a Gift. I have now uncovered the part of me that was still holding on to the old belief of “I am not enough.” I have discovered, thanks to his participation, that all of me was not into this loving myself stuff. So, he gave me a gift and for that I am thankful. It was just a very painful one.