Hard to Swallow…

“The whole reason I’m married to her,” he said, completely oblivious to the knife he was slamming through my gut and heart, “is because she had the balls to make the moves on me.”

He is referring to the last woman he had an affair with while we were married. He is referring to the woman he introduced to his family before we were even separated. He is referring to the third woman whom he got pregnant (and the only one successful in retaining the pregnancy) while we were married. He is referring to the woman who moved in to my place, used my wedding china and my wedding pots and pans and my entire house of furniture and decorations within two days of me leaving him.

He is married to her because she had the balls to make the moves. She had the balls to make the moves.

Why did that hurt so damn bad? Why am I sobbing and feeling as though I have died inside? Why did it feel like it cut right through the center of me and out the back, ripping all of my insides out with it? Why do I want to scream? Why am I crying? Why, after all this fucking time, WHY did that fucking piece of information hurt so goddamn much?

See… told you! Just had to give me a bit before the posts would become so not “light and lovey”…


4 responses

  1. Abgue you are a good and worthy person, but something you need to know is this, your FORMER BUTTHEAD having affairs has nothing to do with you. Nothing, each and everyone one was purely a selfish act. As hard as this may sound, you never entered his mind, and that is no reflection on you.Why am I saying this? Because you are embracing a shame that isn’t yours. You are wearing the shame he will never acknowledge, please don’t. You made a bad choice in men… I made a list of my bad men choices one, oh that was depressing, so I looked at it in a different light… it was the path to who I am today.I am all for embracing yourself, loving yourself (it is vital), but you have to know what to own and what to give back to the owner. Tell your borrowed shame thank you very much, but you will pass. You’be wasted far too many tears on that specific Jerk.

    June 18, 2008 at 9:10 am

  2. Ahhhh… Cele, thank you, sweet friend for your support and your insight. I feel better today. Things always look better in the morning for me. I was so surprised by that shame there… now I understand it and I am no longer willing to carry it for him. Knowing what to own and what not to own has been my difficulty. I appreciate kind friends that lovingly point the way for me. Thank you for being here.

    June 18, 2008 at 9:17 am

  3. I’ll be short and to the point: The sooner you get some real distance between you and that prat of a ex-asshat, the better. Fuckin’ wanker.Oh, and P.S.: What Cele said!

    June 18, 2008 at 4:50 pm

  4. again! Laughing, laughing, laughing! Ah gee! Thanks for that, Tewksey!

    June 18, 2008 at 10:31 pm

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