On Saturday, in ALC, I asked for support, even though I was absolutely terrified to do so. In front of my friends – about 30 people in all there – I stood in my shit and owned where I am in my life. I am so ready to fly this year. I am so ready to step into my power and be who I am meant to be. I am scared because I have no idea, really, what that means or how it looks. I suspect it means completely severing ties from my former husband/current boss. And I feel sad about that. I have a story that he will feel rejected and abandoned – once again – by me. And while I know I have no control over him or his reactions or emotions – and that the story may simply be that, a story – I feel sad about what that will mean for both of us.
I have spent a lot of time focusing on the good in my job with him. I set my own hours. I go and come as I please. I answer to no one, other than him occasionally. I have my healing space right here in my office space so I am able to take clients throughout the day. I am able to blog and interact through several different e-technology avenues.
On one hand, he wants me to succeed and fly away from here. And, of course, his other hand wants to hold me here because he trusts me and I am a huge part of what he does with this business. And, for the most part, I truly do like it here. There are days that I feel angry and trapped here. There are days when I am subjected to his anger and his frustration about everything other than me. Because we are best friends, ex-spouses, ex-lovers, parenting partners, and sometimes even lovers, and because we have known one another for almost two decades, grown up together and have been witness to one another’s development, there are all sorts of funky relationship boundaries that are crossed and uncrossed and confused at times.
Thing is… this is HIS dream. I love being a part of that and seeing him succeed in that. I love supporting him and giving to him to see that it flies. However, do I do that at the sacrifice of my own? I have. AND it is time to stop that now.
So I stood before my friends and implored them to get behind me and support MY dream. I CAN DO THIS! Prior to getting so deathly ill with the Nile, I had a small regular clientele. They all went POOF! Now I am starting from scratch. Eight regular weekly clients is what I need to leave here. Eight.
Megan asked me, “Angie, are you willing to commit to leaving that place? I am not saying you HAVE to leave it or that you HAVE to leave tomorrow. I am asking you, are you willing to leave?”
I was surprised by the sudden rush of emotions and tears and inability to see straight. My stomach clenched and I felt so scared and sad. I breathed deep and nodded once, announcing, “I feel scared and I am willing to leave that place. I commit to be open to the possibilities of leaving that place. AND I feel scared.”
It was a sound I heard deep inside me somewhere and it echoed out into the Universe in rippling waves.
Come Monday, an email popped in my box from a regular client telling me she was sending me two new clients. This morning there was an email from a stranger who found me, I imagine, through my website. She wants an appointment, as well. Could it be this Saturday, PLEASE, she asked.
I feel excited AND scared AND happy all at once.
WOW! I am really doing this!