Here I am, yet again, today. It has been a big day. Actually a big few days. When I am calling in my lessons, boy oh boy, do I call ’em in big!
So you may or may not have picked up on my running theme as of late… I am scared out of my mind and going forward anyway.
Yes, well. Apparently, I was not as conscious of my fears as I thought I was. E-hem.
In my post Feedback, which I wrote only yesterday, I spoke about how I had signed up a bunch of people to my Meditation list without asking their permission. The kernel of truth in that experience is: I signed up a bunch of people without their permission. This resulted in some of those people feeling as though they had been violated. That, in turn, resulted in feedback – some of which was pleasant, some of which was far from pleasant.
In my post Pansies which was written just hours ago, I spoke about my experience with the long arm of the law. I know the kernel of truth about this situation and it will remain unwritten, although I have spoken it aloud for myself. The result of this situation was that I felt violated and abused. That, in turn, resulted in a dramatic turn of related and non-related events, most of which were as far from pleasant as they could be.
The link here is “violation.”
Having just got off the phone from an-almost-hour-long conversation with one of my mentors from ALC, I have had the opportunity to get really clear about what I am creating for myself.
What is, is… I want to connect with people. What I fear is… they won’t want to connect with me, they won’t show up, they won’t be present. When I choose to not feel that fear, I go unconscious. (right here I will interject that I am not consciously choosing to not feel the fear. It’s a programed response, which I have discovered started around age 4.) When I am unconscious, (I am way aware right now that my jaw is clenched and I am really craving chocolate, a craving that is driving me to distraction; I am having difficulty breathing, my head is in a vice grip and my heart is racing) I violate other people’s boundaries in an effort to make them like me. When I violate other people’s boundaries they go away from me.
I long for connection. My results are disconnection. Shit…
My mentor invited me to take 100% responsibility for my stuff. I thought I had. Apparently not. She added clarification, “Take 100% responsibility for what happened back at age four.”
“How do I take responsibility for something I did – what it was, I don’t know – which got me in trouble back at age four?!”
“Good question!” I could hear the gentle smile in her voice and knew the answer was one worth listening closely to. “When you were four, something happened where you were scared, confused, uninformed, unincluded, lonely, sad and maybe a million other feelings. No one explained it to you. No one let you talk. You just had to sit there in that and feel it and it felt really, really yucky and really scary. In that moment, you decided I am not going to feel like this ever again. In that moment you created your Good Girl PansyAss persona in an attempt to ensure that you never felt like that again. As a back up, you developed your ARGH! persona that would rip off the head of those who did not cater to PansyAss.”
(btw… I had no that I was walking out an unfamiliar persona when I actually called myself PansyAss today.)
“Okay. I understand all that.”
“Taking responsibility for that situation sounds like this: at age four I chose to protect myself from feeling scared and lonely. Today I am 39 and I choose to feel those feelings now AND GO FORWARD FROM HERE.”
Sooooooo… then I got really curious about what it is, exactly, that I have called into my life. I went back over some of my entries and WOW! Lookie at this!!!
From (ironically, enough) another post called Feedback, on 12/16/07:
…Listening to her, I found myself longing to feel that. I wanted to have someone in my life whom I could say my soul feels happy when I am around them. I became aware that, after almost 10 years post divorce, I am really ready to welcome in love…I stepped in front of the mirror tonight, before removing my makeup and taking down my hair. I studied myself closely and let it all sink in. I am ready!
From A Life Without Fear, also 0n 12/16/07
…apparently, my life is more full of fear than I previously cared to admit. I feel sad that I am holding myself back from my Self through this veil of fears… I have such a tight grip on myself, because of fear, that I am strangling my self. And, in the face of these fears, I go forward day in and day out…
From Imagery, on 12/21/07
…She had a message for me: You are on the path now. You have all you need within you. Your key is Gratitude. …You travel forward, going step by step, in the direction you are guided. Allow your Soul to lead you. Allow the Universe to guide you. Your key is Joy. …You are complete right here, right now. You live as you are meant to live. You do what you are meant to do. You BE who you are meant to be. They are waiting for you. Your key is Completion.
From What Was, What Is, What Will Be, on 12/31/07
…I am going forward. If it is merely one step forward, followed by another, I am going forward into tomorrow. And I will step forward into the new day and I will remember, soon, who I am, where I am going and why I am here. And I will take this year day by day, remembering that each step forward brings with it a new dawn. The sun unfailingly shines, breaking through any clouds. Each day it rises and hope shines anew… And, with it, I rise. I will rise to be who I am meant to be and I will believe with all the naivete of youth that this year will be the year. It is my year. It is my year to shine and be magical.
From Welcome!, on 1/1/08
…And, truthfully, I no longer am interested in wasting my life and even though I imagined
frittering away the day to avoid life, I rose from the bed to greet the day… And… going forward into 2008, I am stepping forward with one question, one statement and one reminder for myself:
Self, what is my divine purpose or my design today?
I live my life fully and experience all aspects of my Self, taking one hundred percent responsibility for who I am, what I do and how I communicate.
Life becomes lively when I participate instead of watch.
From Solitary Gratitude, on 1/3/08
…There, in the bathroom, alone and feeling grateful for the serenity, I realized, yet again, my profound need for that very thing – serene space. I realized, yet again, that this year is about creating that…
(I wasn’t going to include this next one. However, as I was reading it, I thought, “Nah. That doesn’t count as something I have set in motion.” [This particular entry sparked an online family spat, which I am imagining is still lingering somewhere in the ethers, waiting to erupt in person.] As I was going on to the next entry, I began choking so violently that I peed myself. Oh. My. God. This one is big. So… I am putting it in.)
From Left Out, on 2/3/08
…I wasn’t invited. This is a common occurrence. What I don’t understand is why I am still bothered by this, after all these years. But, I am…
From The In-Crowd, on 2/6/08
…These things are my noticings and I am wondering how I turn around this pattern of continually putting myself outside the circle. I am wondering how to become the person who gets invited, who people want to be with, maybe even long to be with. I am wondering how I find the natural knowing of when to stay, when to go, when to switch, when to stand still. I am wondering how to become open to self-awareness, ease and flow in every area of my life…
From Out of My Mind, on 2/15/08
…So, yes, I welcome the “scared out of my mind” way of being right now. It is a radically different approach from me that is keeping me solidly in my body, where I am present for every single decision that needs to be made. It also opens space for me to tap into my intuition. My brain is terrified. My body and intuition, however, are one hundred percent certain that I am doing the right thing and everything is going to be okay in the end. So, I commit to being scared out of my mind and going forward anyway…
Ummmmm… ye-eah. No wonder the lessons are getting big! I have called in some big shit. WOW! YAY ME????