Confession of the Fat Girl #11
When I originally started this blog, I chose the name “Confession of the Fat Girl” for a reason. A part of me needed to own the fact that I was F-A-T. In the past, I have found ways to make it sound prettier and have been able to look past the reality of my body. Thing is, I liked that reality better. Now, I actually feel fat.
A few months ago, I joined Curves and have really enjoyed the ability to move my body in that way almost every day. The day I signed up they weighed and measured me. The lady weighing me said the number quietly so that only I could hear it, but she might as well have shouted it because I heard it. My body heard it. Somehow I had so cleverly convinced my mind that I was around 150 pounds that when she told me I was at least 50 pounds heavier, I was confused.
The sad part of this is that within 24 hours, I suddenly felt every single one of those pounds. I suddenly felt… well… fat. Worse, I felt obese. I was in that state of mind when I began this blog. It seemed important to me at that time to own the obesity. I hate it now.
Wow. Where did that come from? I didn’t see that coming, at all. And I certainly didn’t suspect the venom that was dripping from it.
Sooooo… here’s the thing. For about a month now, I have been hyper-aware of my body. I have discovered that no matter how much water I drink, no matter how healthy I eat, no matter how much I exercise, nothing is happening. I have decided that it is time to change my focus. See, back then before I began feeling obese, people were actually seeing me as slender. I was feeling slender. The world was seeing me slender. I was believing my way to slender.
I have had several people mention that the title of this blog column is too harsh. Even before anyone said anything, though, I had begun exploring the energy of the title. I am now aware that, for me, my body image is going to have to begin from the inside out. I need to emotionally, mentally and verbally support myself into the size I desire. It requires me changing the way I think about myself. It also requires me to stop monitoring my weight and inches so that I stop focusing on the size of who I physically am right now. And to focus, instead, on allowing space for my body to evolve into the shape and size of whom I am supposed to be.
Therefore, I am packing up my measuring tape and my scales. They are getting put away for one month. During that time, I will continue to eat healthy, drink lots of water and exercise at least four times weekly, more if possible. I will begin again to use the subliminal weight loss cd during meditation. I stopped doing that at the same time I joined Curves.
Also, the name of my column is changing. Instead of confessing, I am going to be sharing. And I am going to call it, “Progression into Beauty.”