When things like this happen, I giggle uncontrollably for quite awhile. Apparently, my friends, I’m FAMOUS! I bet you feel special now that you have been updated.

Still giggling…

Name of the company on the truck: StateFire

Beneath that image, were the words: Heroes are not born; they are trained.

Ain’t it the truth, I thought as I snickered. As an energy healer, this advertisement took on an entirely different meaning for me than was intended by the decorator of that car. When we are born, we are a clean slate, free from beliefs, practices and thought patterns. These things are taught to us by our caregivers, our culture and by those we interact with on a regular basis as a child.

Being a hero, villain or victim is a learned response generated through our upbringing. Heroes are children who needed to be the Peacekeeper and make sure everyone in their life was happy and well cared for. They are the Fixers and the Rescuers that kept all the plates spinning in the air to avoid catastrophic events. They learned to always keep a watchful eye, being ever-prepared to jump in and save the day. Whatever the reason was, as a child, being a Hero kept them safe.

Our childhood patterns were productive when they were conceptualized because they were the end result of a deductive process by a person who had yet developed the neuropathways for logical reasoning. It could so happen that a toddler once reached down – because she was closer to the shiny object than her mother – to get a spoon dropped by her mother and she received much praise for doing as was asked of her when her mother held out her hand and requested the spoon. In that moment, the thought process began, if I help mommy by doing things for her, she’s really happy and likes me.

Through all my years working as a healer, I can attest to the truth of that bumper sticker. Heroes are not born; they are taught. And, as a healer, I repeatedly say, “The first step to healing yourself is to become aware of and understand your patterns.” Being open to seeing yourself through an observer’s eye so you can see where you are being a hero, villain or victim is how you begin to uncover your erroneous beliefs that stemmed from your childhood and once made sense, but no longer do.

This is not a new thing, may I point out. My program of “I’m not enough” permeates through, pretty much, every aspect of my life and perverts the truth of who I really am and of what I am truly capable.

How this program shows up in my art is I tell myself one of two things: I’m incapable of creating “real-looking” images -or- I’m doing it wrong. (In essence, they are both different versions of the same underlying message: I don’t trust myself.)

Today, my professor, who seems to be so delightfully in love with his life, had us set up and choose one of three scenes to paint with only black, white and gray. The object of the exercise was to paint only the pure, core shadows with the basic shape of the outline. As the figures were being set up, I felt myself go into a cold sweat and my heart started racing. I tuned in and heard the running thoughts: I can’t do this! There’s no way I’m going to be able to pull this off! I’m going to do it wrong! I can’t draw “real” things!

I took a deep breath and started pulling out my tools, focusing on the things that I know and love… the feel of the brushes in my hands… the look of the paint on the palette… the way the glossy acrylics flow from the tubes… how the tape sounds when it tears off the roll… how the paper feels in my hands. I continued to breathe and started mentally talking to myself, “Just focus on the termination of the light, Angie. You can see it. You can draw simple shapes.You love to paint. Focus on the interaction of the paint, the paper and the brush. You can do it.”

I continued to talk to myself as I sat up and I began to realize the “can’t” chanting had silenced and all that I could hear was the “can” mantras. I lost myself in the painting and about 75 minutes later, I stood back and marveled at what I had done.

Then I looked around.

And began doubting myself.

One thing I’d like to point out that, much like life, everyone’s perspective of the same scene was different. There was no one else in the room standing in my shoes, so they didn’t see what I saw. Therefore, their shadow/light shapes were very different than mine. And, therefore, I began questioning my instincts and began adding to the shadows on one side of the body, making one shaded area on the shoulder line bigger and then added an entirely new shaded area on the waistline.

When I asked for feedback from my professor, he suggested that I white out the areas that were not true core shadows. Guess what those areas were! You’re right. Those two areas that I “fixed” when I doubted my abilities and added to what was already complete.

This is feedback that I received last semester from my Foundation I Drawing professor. He continually said to me, “Angie, you can do this. You have the abilities. You’re an amazing artist. You have the concepts down. Now, all you have to do is… trust yourself.“

Trusting myself has been one of the most difficult concepts for me to understand throughout my life. I’ve struggled to grasp what it means and to do it in my life. It has shown up in not knowing when to stay or when to leave. It has shown up in not seeing that my art is complete at an earlier stage and overdoing it in an attempt to complete it.

So, as I continue to learn what it means to trust myself and to love myself through this process, I am going to continue to breathe and to be sure to stand back, occasionally, to get out of the thick of things so that I can admire what I’m doing.

Life is crazy busy for most of us. It’s filled with all sorts of electronics and buzzing equipment. It’s fast paced and doesn’t provide a lot of space for taking deep breaths to get centered. Being centered and balanced is a choice.

I find that the biggest time this is challenged for me is in moments just like the one I am in now…. when I am in a quiet space, feeling grateful for the stillness and the alone time and someone walks in, shattering that atmosphere with a loud voice, a rustling coat and an aggressive energy, smelling like a pancake house and possessing a propensity to be a Chatty Joe who knows everything and has to tell me about it.

As I sit here, feeling grateful for the life I have manifested, I’ve called in the very opposite of what I am appreciating and this boy sits right next to me although there are at least twenty other computers at which he could sit to work. I find myself wondering… why does he have to sit right there?! Couldn’t he have sat at the desk behind me and not be so near to my personal bubble space?!

And I can feel myself spinning out into the ethers as I focus on the irritation I am feeling. I want to blame him for creating the irritation, but I realize that it is up to me to choose whether I’m going to fixate on his presence and allow my inner peace to be shattered. This experience was a direct reflection of my own experience… finding peace within the external chaos.

He is gone now and I am reflecting on the magic of my life… the magic of ALL life. We have in our life that which we’re focused on and this experience that I’ve journaled here is an example of how life shows up in support of you. I know that, internally, I’ve been in chaos for most of my life, while longing for quiet. I also know that I’m getting masterful at soothing my internal atmosphere so that I can reflect out into my life – from within – the peace and love that I’m longing to experience.  It is up to me to generate this. Every moment is a choice on how I experience it.

Just like here in this silent lab. Do I get frustrated that Noisy Boy interrupted my peace? Or do I just notice and move on? Or do I choose to get out my headset and plug into music that uplifts me to drown out the noise? It’s all a choice.

And… once again… I am grateful for the gentleness of my life. I’m so grateful that I finally understand that life can be easeful and it’s up to me to choose it to be so.

And this noticing got me to thinking and feeling curious about my readers. Do you know what lights you up? How do you feed your aliveness?

I discovered that to be the case when I found myself in a class that is required for practically every other class in my degree from here on out. This class is only offered two out of three semesters and it has TWO prerequisite classes. I thought the two classes were an either/or situation. They are not. They are an AND situation. And the other class I have to complete for this class is offered only at times that conflict with my other classes and is completely full – including the wait list. I feel scared. While I’m willing to drop TWO of my classes that compete for the conflicting schedule, the fact that the wait list is full is a problem. The school is not extending the class sizes beyond the initial max.

Life is like that sometimes. Sometimes there are things that you simply have to do before you can move on to the next phase. And, sometimes, those prerequisites can be unclear until you’re actually on the path and realize that you’ve skipped a step and must go back to accomplish it. What you do in that moment is crucial. You can either whine, stomp your feet and pitch an ugly fit. Or you can accept it and do what needs to be done to get that prerequisite resolved.

Yesterday, I chose to stick it out in the class that I cannot attend on the faith that the class that I must have will open up for me so that I can continue on this path I’ve begun.

And, if it doesn’t? Then, I’ll remember that everything is exactly perfect in every moment. And, perhaps, there is a part of the bigger picture that I’m unable to see.

A special thanks to Grandfathersky for nominating me for the Liebster Blog Award. It is humbling to be honored by fellow bloggers and to be noticed by them as creating a change in the world. I believe this blogging world is a world of people interested in creating a delicious wave of love and transformation in the world. However, I could be biased, because my circle of blogging friends are focused on that one way or another and that is the kind of blogging I like to read. I don’t really search out the doomsdayers, destruction-preachers or the dice ‘em up, slice ‘em up writers. What I really appreciate about blogging is that it gives everyone – who chooses to take it – an opportunity to bring their voice to the world. It is a very public arena for sharing stories and enlivening others. For me, it is a form of processing as part of my healing.

There have been several bloggers over the years that have inspired me and have pushed me to be more of a blogger than I was previously. They are writers who challenge my belief systems, touch my heart and open my eyes. Some of them no longer blog. Some of them are new to the blogging world. Some of them are people I personally know and love. These are a few that I’d like to take note of now…

• Single Dad Laughing
• And Then There Were Four
• Only a Little Sugar-Coated
• Oh Joy! It’s Me
• Lighthouse Principals

For those of you who have received this award, your mission (should you choose to accept it), is to pass on the love.

The Rules are:
1. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.
2. Reveal your top 5 picks for the award and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Post the award on your blog.
4. Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the blogsphere – other bloggers.
5. And, best of all – have fun and spread the karma.

After reading in the news some of the policies that are being changed within the various branches of our nation’s military and the bills that are being passed that could put us in a police state, as well as reading about some of the aggressive maneuvers that are happening against citizens, it made it easy  - and terrifying – to believe that the deplorable behavior of our military in that movie last night is par for the course.

For a long time, I’ve loosely followed UFO and alien stories. I am fascinated with them and believe them to be just as plausible as the aggression of the military. I’ve heard all the conspiracy theories that scream about the government covering up alien activity and having secret bases where they study with heartless abandon the aliens they catch. The thing, though, that bothered me about last night’s show was the portrayal of the military adhering to a “need to know” policy that meant they had to tell no one what was going on and anyone who continued to press for information was lied to and then arrested and detained – which sounds a lot like what could happen as a result of some of the new bills that are being passed into laws regarding the military.

Yesterday, Kait and I also saw Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. That could be, perhaps, why I’m on military-suspiscion overload. There was a line in that movie that went something like, “To the US government, anyone who is a possible terrorist IS a terrorist.” When the character said it, my hair stood on end and my stomach turned over.

While I understand the need for the military and respect all they have done and continue to do, I do feel wary when I begin hearing stories of giving them free reign. There is a mental attitude of “following orders” in the military – you can see it in any military-related movie and can hear it in the tales of any soldier – that is deadly. This attitude is necessary for running a “tight ship,” so to speak, but it also strips the personnel of their humanity and results in cold hearts. It seems to cloud their ability to be humane.

I don’t know where our world is heading. It seems to be heading toward hate and darkness in every realm. And I feel scared when I think about that. I don’t know what to do or how to change it so… I’m choosing Love. I’m choosing Light. And I’m choosing to continue to be in those spaces. No matter what.