The Fear of Being Seen
As a Healer, one of my Gifts is the ability to See another. In my earlier years, this Gift was quite confusing because I was unable to understand what, exactly, I was seeing and why. I often interacted with the beautiful light being that I was seeing, but the human in front of me was full-on attempting to hide that part of themselves and presenting a totally different person to the world. This light being, the Soul, is the eternal element of a human. It is timeless, gathering information as the human vehicle it inhabits goes through its life experiences. For many years, my ability to See another and my physical primary vision also got confused. Often times, I would find myself in love with a person – because I was interacting with their Soul which IS Love – only to find myself rudely awakened to the humanity of a person’s exterior.
When I began understanding my empathic abilities, I chose to block them “out in the world,” mostly because I didn’t want anyone to know I was “different.” I surrounded myself with people at the time that were not in touch with their Souls and were doing some serious hiding so, when I would speak to their Soul or share with them something that I was experiencing or Seeing in them, they would call me crazy. This “crazy” talk caused me to doubt myself and, as a child, I turned off all of my gifts to stop being “crazy.” However, as an adult, when I felt all my Gifts kick on within me during my daughter’s birth, I knew I would never deny myself again. I had to know who I was and what I was meant to do with these abilities.
I was frustrated within these relationships with friends who called me crazy and said things like, “Angie, you have no idea about ____________ (fill in the blank). You are not me. You don’t know!” Well, they were right about one thing there: I was not them. However, I did have an idea and I did know. They just didn’t want to know. They were unwilling to be truthful with themselves or the world.
After years of struggling within the crazy-making relationships, I began choosing out of them. I also realized that people were hiding for very good reasons - their reasons. It wasn’t my place to go about telling them what I Saw or what they were ignoring or the truths they were revealing by how they behaved or what they said or didn’t say. If they wanted to know, they could ask. And if it was deeper than a brief glimpse into the surface of life, then it needed to be in a session where they were safe.
I don’t spend my time looking into people and reading their minds or visiting their dreams. I know there are psychics out there that choose to do that. I don’t. I think that is because of my empathic abilities along with them. Because, when I look, I also feel and sometimes, my friends, that ain’t pretty. So this not looking into people 24/7 is purely a selfish move on my part, and I’m okay with that. It’s also an ethical choice, though. Because, the inside part of people is their world. If they want me there, then they must request that and give permission for me to venture there.
The other night, I had an opportunity to get reacquainted with a woman who I haven’t seen for nearly 25 years. She… I’ll call her Jane… Jane and I ended up at an event together unexpectedly. It was a pleasant surprise for me because I love Jane. I have fond memories of her and so, when she walked in, I felt a burst of happiness.
I also instantaneously noticed an energy of wariness just below the surface of her smile and a need to find shelter. I didn’t remember her being like that when we were younger, but that could be because I wasn’t me when I was younger…
I glanced at her several times throughout the presentation, but it wasn’t until after it was over that Jane and I had an opportunity to talk. Jane’s sister happily escorted me over to where Jane sat and bubbled over about me being an energy healer and such. Jane’s eyes grew big and she actually slid further back into her chair – subliminal body tag that she was looking for protection. Having no idea about any of the “mumbo-jumbo” that her sister was raving about, Jane was scared and confused.
After Jane’s sister explained a little bit about it, Jane was curious, ”What do you see with me?” Her face was pale and her eyes were wide. She was curious to know and horrified to know all at the same time.
“I am not looking into you. We are not in that sort of agreement and you haven’t given me permission to look.”
“Well,” she said, growing more eager. “What do you see?”
“Nothing. Because you haven’t given me permission to look. I choose to not look into people unless we are in an agreement for me to do so.”
“Okay…” she slid to the edge of her seat, looking up at me, clearly anticipating… something. “What do you see?”
I had noticed her emphasizing different words, but it still wasn’t a clear agreement. And something about it made me wary. I sensed her wanting to know what I could see, but there was some sort of condition… I didn’t know what, yet, but would soon find out.
“Jane, you and I are not in agreement for me to look into you. You have not said, ‘Angie, I give you permission to look into me,’ so I am not looking into you.”
“Oh!” She laughed. “Okay then. Angie, I give you permission to look into me.” She said it in a voice that wasn’t her own, somewhat like an actress playing a part. I picked up on that, felt like something wasn’t quite right, but I knew that I was meant to look into her, if only to expose to her that she didn’t really want to be seen.
I can see into people without touching them, but it’s faster if we make a connection. I held out my hands to her. Tentatively, she slowly reached her hands toward me, as though she was going to touch a hot stove. Then she yanked her hands back and said, “Oh! But don’t make me cry!”
As she slowly moved her hands toward me again, her eyes darted around the room. Her hands hovered over mine and she looked up at me uncertainly, “Maybe we could go somewhere more private, in case I cry.”
Her hands hovered there. I waited. She kept looking around nervously. “Oh! Don’t see too much. I don’t want to cry. Let’s go somewhere private.”
I recognized this dance she was doing. She was a curious kitten that so wanted to play without leaving the warmth of the comfortable cushion. She was in misery and wanted to not be in misery without changing her circumstances. She just wants the misery to end. I know that one. Been there. Done that. I can recognize that in a heartbeat in anyone, without Seeing or touching them.
“Jane,” I said quietly, holding my hands in waiting for her willingness, “I’m not going to look that deep. We are not in that kind of agreement. I’m not going to share anything with you that would take us into session mode. This is not the time or place for that.”
“Oh. Okay,” her hands trembled, her eyes darted around the room. She waited. I waited.
Timidly, she rested her hands in mine and sat up a little taller with a sigh as she did so. It was the most interesting release I’ve ever witnessed. Generally, a sigh is accompanied with a release of the core muscles so the body eases or slumps a little. In this case, she came out of her slump and lit up. Brilliant transformation right then and there!
And it scared her out of her wits.
The trembling went through her body. I shared with her only surface information – nothing more than what I received when she walked into the room. I didn’t want to look any farther than what I had seen when she walked in, so I didn’t. I knew she didn’t want to be Seen, but she didn’t know that. I also knew that if I Saw what she was hiding, it would undo her. So, I didn’t look.
Jane, however, believed that I saw everything in the 10 seconds I held her hands. She was freaked out and told her sister she didn’t want to be around me because I scared her, I Saw too much. She didn’t want me to know her truths and she wouldn’t hear me when I told her, “I only looked as far as I shared with you and I saw no more.” She fully believed I knew every one of her secrets.
And she would have nothing further to do with me. In fact, when she and I ended up in the same place a few days later, she wanted nothing to do with me then either.
In the past, this would have really shaken me. In the more distant past, when I was beginning to understand myself, it could have been enough to knock me back into the psychic closet. This time, though, I had a tender compassion for Jane because I understood that, by even asking me to look, she had gone wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-y beyond her comfort zone. For Jane, the possibility that someone knew what she wanted no one to know – even though I have no idea what “it” is, all I know is there is an “it” – that possibility is earth-shattering, terrifying, dangerous even. And she knows she never wants me to See her.
By being willing to hold the space for her to not like me and have nothing to do with me, I actually gave her the gift of knowing she wants no one to See her like that. She may never ask a psychic or an empath that question again. At least not for a long while, anyway, and maybe never again. And that is a beautiful thing because she learned that night just how important it is to her to remain protected by her walls. And that is what she needed me to See so I could reveal it to her.